A Thousand Natural Shocks.

My nails are compulsively painted poorly. I dislike flipflops on men. I like romantic things, bright or grey. I think morbid images have an inherent beauty. I'll probably like you, so I hope you like me.

I haven’t posted in this in ages, and I hate that whenever I do its so pessimistic. I don’t consider myself a pessimistic person, I don’t weigh down people in everyday life with pessimism. But I find at the end of the day when I retreat to my lonely room I feel like the sadness and pressure of whatever it is I feel lacking becomes inescapably apparent and I wallow in myself a little, I usually end up crying here too. I’ve been told I cry crocodile tears but I dont feel like I do it to gain anyones pity. I cry usually because I’m overwhelmed and fel too much at once. i don’t cry to be seen by other people crying. I wish I were clearer and articulate with the thigns that upset me, but while waves of clarity occasionally wash over me somehwere while I sit alone and mull over the things about my life that I hate, they dissipate upon confrontation. 

I felt more lost and alone this past school year then I ever have before. I’m so lucky to still ahve a few support sysems in palce, but I feel like I’ve exhausted them, or else that they’ve better things to do than lsiten to me. Even then, that number is dwindling.

I don’t really know what I’m doing anymore. In a sense I am SO lucky to have the luxury to have these kinds of issues because so many others are in worse positions. While that gives me strength or courage, I don’t think the fact that I feel this isolated amoung everyone around me any les weight. No, it is not a life-threatening problem. Yes, it is a selfish desire of a single individual. Yeah, its pretty fucking angsty.  but it isnt me just feeling as though the world doesn’t understand me at all. I feel as though I’ve lost faith in people in general and I’ve forgotten how to be myself with almost everyone I know. Even then, I don’t really feel open enough with anyone to feel like I’m being totally honest about how I’m doing anymore, and I feel as though everyone else prefers it that way. I don’t know how I perceive anything anymore, and I’m growing to hate myself for it. I understand ranting on a tumblr doesn’t change or fix anything, but somehow writing here makes me feel less alone in this.

I always feel trivial when I post shit like this, but this specific tumblr’s kind of been about that. Its a place to write my discontentment, and rarely my complete wonder or detailed thoughts simply because doing so makes me feel better. 

  1. proclamationsofone posted this